


A Goblin's Skull, Maccies, and A Door Handle

by Caitybug



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: Goblins, Kidnapping, M/M, Shepard uses his resources, a door handle, bonding over fit goblins, but it's so background that it's not really there, escaping, look there's snowbaz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:02:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26844835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caitybug/pseuds/Caitybug
Summary: Simon Snow wakes up in a building he doesn't know, tied up and blindfolded.Luckily his best bro Shepard is there too.
Relationships: Penelope Bunce/Shepard, Shepard & Simon Snow, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 9
Kudos: 48





	A Goblin's Skull, Maccies, and A Door Handle

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nickeyre](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nickeyre/gifts).



> This is a birthday fic for [Nick!](http://tumblr.com/blog/nick-eyre) who is an amazing person, artist, and deserving of all the great bro content out there.
> 
> Special thanks to [Birdy](http://tumblr.com/blog/snowverylost),[Liz](http://tumblr.com/blog/foolofabookwyrm), and my friend Bree for looking this over.

Simon

I wake up, groggy and unsure of my surroundings. My head hurts and I just want to go back to sleep. 

(I must have fallen asleep watching Netflix again. The couch always gives me neck pain that turns into an awful headache.)

I open an eye, thinking I’ll see the familiar Netflix menu in front of me, but all I see is darkness. I feel fabric over my eyes. 

(Fuck.)

I try moving my arm to pull it off but realize they are tied behind my back, a rough rope is scratching against the skin on my wrists. 

_What the fuck happened?_

It smells damp, like a wet basement. (More earthy, though.)

I hear a groan next to me. 

_Baz?_

I hear a curse. 

(Normal.)

_Shepard._

It starts to come back to me in phases. 

Shepard and I were grabbing food for dinner. 

A shout from someone nearby.

I fought but then everything went dark. 

(Not sure why.)

I didn’t even see who it was. They never let me get a good look at their face. It was only punches, shouting, and the desire to overpower each other. 

I try to listen, to see if I can hear anything around us. If anyone else is here. 

“Psst,” I hear from beside me. “Simon? Is that you?”

“Shh,” I respond. I hear him inhale, trying to keep himself quiet. 

Shepard knows when to shut up, at least. (Well, sometimes, that is.)

When I realize I can’t hear anything I shift, seeing how tight the rope is. 

“Are you blindfolded too?” I ask, trying to get my wrists loose. 

(Not tight at all, these people aren’t very good at this.)

A brief moment of panic hits when I realize this might be a _Normal_ kidnapping. I pray Penelope’s spell keeps my wings hidden long enough if that’s the case. I don’t have a strong desire to deal with Normals seeing a dragon boy for the first time. 

“No, but they took my glasses, so I may as well be.” 

I get my hands loose and rip my blindfold off. 

It’s dark. The floor is a weird combination of concrete and dirt. I see a rat crawl into a hole.

_Where the fuck are we?_

“Simon?”

“Fuck-” I jump up, moving towards him. “Sorry, Shep. Just trying to figure it all out.”

“Do you see my glasses?” He asks once I untie his knot. 

Looking around on the floor I see them, the familiar large circular granny glasses, broken in half.

“Er- yeah. But you’re not gonna be very happy about it.”

“Broken?”

“Yeah.”

He lets out a sigh. 

“I’ve got something in my pocket to help, but my optometrist isn’t going to be very happy about this.”

I frown and grab his glasses. Shepard talks as if his optometrist deals with this a lot. (Maybe he does.) He digs in his front pocket, pulling out a small roll of tape.

“Washi,” he says, handing it over. “Can you tape them together for me? It’ll be better than nothing.”

I grab the tape (small colorful aliens. On brand for him, at least.) As I wrap it around the glasses I hear noises in the distance. 

“Do you know what happened?” I whisper, handing the poorly taped glasses to him. 

He shakes his head as he slips the glasses on his nose. 

“Last I remember was some lady screaming, then I got hit on the head.” 

I help Shepard stand up, my back starts to itch. 

_Fuck._

“We have to get out of here.”

“You’re preaching to the choir,” Shepard responds, brushing off dust and dirt from his trousers. They’re olive green, with flecks of dried blood on them. I see a scratch on his cheek. The blood has stopped at least, but he looks a fright if I’m being honest. 

I hear something shuffle in the distance, and I look around us frantically. 

When I see a door, I push him through it as I hear footsteps get closer. 

I leave it cracked, trying to figure out who captured us. 

It only takes a moment before I see it walk through.

_A goblin._

Green skin, red lips, handsome as a pop star.

(Couldn’t miss it for the world.)

“That thing shouldn’t be attractive, right?” Shepard whispers in my ear.

I glance at him. He looks horrified with himself. I debate, briefly, if I want to be honest or not with him. 

(Though I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks so.)

“No, they’re fit,” I assure, looking back through the crack in the door.

At least it’s only a goblin. Even without magic, I can take them. 

(They’re not _that_ hard.)

And they never travel in packs. I swear they don’t ever think through these plans very much. 

“Why’d it kidnapped us?” Shepard asks. 

I watch as the goblin kicks the rope off to the side, he starts looking around the room, opening doors.

_We’ve not got long._

“I’ll tell you later,” I whisper, quietly closing the door again. “Stay behind me, and we’ll be okay.”

I look around, trying to see if there’s anything I can use as a weapon.

I see a broken pipe, slightly rusty, blunt but still pointy, and decide that will do. 

I pick it up and put my hand on the door handle. 

“You alright?”

Shepard nods, grabbing something nearby. (A handle, perhaps. Not sure.)

I put my hand on the door and get ready to push, taking a moment to look at Shepard. He nods and straightens up, brass door handle in hand. 

(What he plans to do with that, I’m not sure.)

I push the door open and ambush the goblin, sticking the rusty pipe through his chest. 

It’s when the green blood oozes from his chest onto the floor after I pull it out that I realize my mistake. 

Two more goblins nearby rush into the room. 

_Guess they finally started working together._

I don’t wait for them to attack. Me and my rusty pipe are on the move. I knock one out with a loud _thwack_ and immediately push the pipe into the other’s guts, making it drop to the floor. 

_The body count we are creating can’t be good right now._

I turn to Shepard and give him a look I pray he sees as let’s get the fuck out of here.

Luckily I don’t have to do it twice, because he jumps to action, hand still holding the door handle. 

(I guess it could come in handy if we find a knobless door somewhere.)

We run down a dark hallway. (Is that what this is called? There are rocks, and dirt, and water dripping down the sides. Are we in a cave, or is this a poorly maintained basement?)

“I see the door!” I shout unnecessarily. (I’m sure Shepard could see it, he has his glasses on now- he’s not _blind._ ) “Just a bit further.”

He falls behind me a touch, but I still hear his footsteps so I don’t bother to look back. 

I almost get to the door when something grabs me and pulls me to the ground. 

“Ack!” I scream. 

“Simon!” Shepard shouts. 

I’d shout back, but I’m too busy wrestling with yet _another goblin._

(Why are they still after me? Haven’t they heard yet that I’ve got no magic? Fully tapped out and Normal now.)

I lost the pipe in the tumble, but I’ve still got my fists. I’ve killed a goblin with less before, this shouldn’t be hard. 

It’s at that moment I hear a crunch, see the way the goblin’s eyes go wide and its body rigid, and watch as it falls to the ground, a door handle sticking out of its head.

Shepard stands above me, eyes wide and staring at the once lively green goblin that was strangling me. 

“Alright?” I ask, sitting up.

I watch him gulp and nod. He reaches to pull me up, still staring at the dead body.

“Don’t feel bad,” I say, walking to the door. “I can tell you about the first time I killed a goblin.”

“You’ve done this before?” He asks.

The spark has come back to his eyes, and he’s looking back at me, following me out the door. 

I nod, stepping across the threshold. 

(Where the fuck are we?) 

It’s dark, but not too dark that I can’t see anything. 

Street lights illuminate the interior of the building, showing medicine and plasters on shelves. We pass a counter where a register sits. 

“Are all drug stores covers for goblins?” Shepard asks. 

I shrug.

I’ve yet to see a goblin in a pharmacy before. 

Shepard lets out a low whistle as we step out of the door and into the world around us. 

It doesn’t look like anything else has changed. No one else seems to have noticed that there’s a literal murder cave attached to the pharmacy.

(I make a mental note to not return to this particular store.)

“Do you think Pen and Baz noticed we didn’t come home?” Shepard asks, stepping onto the side of the road with me. 

I look around and recognize where we are.

(Not far from the flat. There’s a station nearby, and with one quick ride we could be home in less than half an hour.)

“I’m honestly surprised Penelope hasn’t spelled us both home,” I respond. 

It’s dark now. I have no clue how long it’s been since we left.

“We never did get food,” he states. A car drives by, water washes up slightly on the sidewalk. 

My stomach growls. It’s like it knows any time food is near or when it is mentioned. 

(But also, I'm hungry. And we _did_ miss lunch.)

A Maccies glows nearby and we grab a few Big Macs, scarfing them down on the tube. 

It’s telling of the type of world we live in that no one questions either of our appearances. 

(Albeit, I feel blessed that my wings haven’t shown up. Londoners will let many things slide in the name of people being weird, but I’m not sure how they’d handle someone walking around with real dragon parts.)

We walk into our flat to see Baz and Penelope on the couch. Penelope is asleep, curled underneath a blanket. Baz has his head in a book, legs outstretched and resting on the coffee table. 

The door shuts softly behind us, and I wait to hear the panic.

“Hello,” Baz says, flipping a page. He doesn’t even look up at us as we start to walk across the living room. “Have a fun day out?”

I look at Shepard.

_Did they really not notice?_

“Er- yeah?” I say. 

He glances up and then looks back down.

It takes a couple of seconds, but he’s jumping off the couch and examining me.

“What the _fuck_ happened, Snow?” He says, moving my head, looking at the scratch I know still has fresh blood leaking from it.

_I hope he isn’t hurting himself over this._

(Hopefully he fed, I know it’d be torture if he didn’t.)

“Goblins,” I mutter. 

I hear him curse under his breath.

“Shepard’s okay too,” I mention, trying to push some of the attention off of me.

“Yes, I see that,” Baz mutters, taking a step back and glancing at him. 

Penelope sits up, frowning.

“What in Merlin’s Beard did the two of you get into?”

Shepard and I look at each other and shrug. 

Baz scoffs and walks back to his spot on the sofa, raising an eyebrow and watching the pair of us. 

That’s when I throw my arm around Shepard’s shoulder and pull him close.

“Shepard here stabbed a door handle through a goblin’s skull.”

Shepard chuckles and pulls me close too. 

We don’t get much more of the story out after that because Penelope starts to scream. Baz sits back and watches, sipping his tea. 

He’ll heal me up later, I’m sure. 

(He’ll probably give me the same lecture Penelope is right now too, but it’ll be quieter at least.)

It’s all worth it, because it _was_ pretty cool.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> Feel free to check me out on [Tumblr](http://tumblr.com/blog/caitybuglove23)


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